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pplrok2me
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Name: Kim
Location: Kalamazoo, Michigan, United States
Birthday: 3/22/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Hmm... I love to read, write, and draw. Especially if that has to do with LOTR. I'm obsessed with Frodo. Plus Neopets, I love making graphics for that site and doing HTML things... And guys. Guys are always fun to look at. =D
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/25/2004
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| I miss you so much. I just want you to be here already. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of always getting to see you later, never now. I want to see you every day. I want to be able to come home and have you waiting for me, happy to see me. I want to get a hug and a kiss and then crawl in bed with you and cuddle and talk until we fall asleep. I want to finally be one with you. I want nothing in the world to matter besides us. | | |
| Hey God,
So I've been thinking today. I know that I have a tendency to freak out about things and worry and absolutely hate the slightest change or new thing to come my way. Because of that I know I've prayed for peace before, but since I've heard that I don't have to ask for that any more. That's something you've already given. I don't need to ask for something I already have, I just need to take hold of it and accept it and utilize it. So right now I'd like to claim some of that peace you've promised me.
Now that we've got that taken care of, I just want to talk to you for a bit. I really want to find a house so that Mike can move up here, but I want to make sure that we do this the right way and that our impatience doesn't interfere with things. I trust you to help us find the right house and I pray that you'll help us to follow your timeline instead of our own. Help me to fully believe that the right house will be there when we are ready and that there's no need to rush. Help us to follow your will in this.
I just pray that Mike and I will be calm and work together and support each other on this. Help us not to get stressed out or upset about it. This should be a happy point in our lives, right? Help us to be tuned in to your voice so that you can lead us to the right place for us. Please help us to grow even closer to you as well as to each other.
Thanks for everything,
Kim | | |
| Wow. So I just skimmed over my last entry or two. Not enough to really gain a good sense on what I was saying, but enough to gather a general idea of the time period I was in back in October. And see, this is some of the stuff that makes me think I am crazy, because now, only a mere six months later, I think I want to get married. That's not too crazy, huh? Well, the thing is that I think I want to get married to that same guy.
What the heck is my problem? Haha. Now isn't that the question of the day. My dear Michael is very persuasive. I've found that the key to getting him motivated is just that -- getting him motivated. After that, though, you're good to go. He actually decided to wake up and straighten things out. We got back together in January and things have been great ever since. I mean great, too. They're better than they ever used to be, even on a good day.
I know the timeline doesn't quite qualify as rational, but I have completely and entirely fallen in love with him. Yeah, I loved him before, but not like this head-over-heels, undying affection I feel for him now. It's like they always say... It's not something you can explain. And God knows that is the most irritating answer ever to be given, but it's true. You just don't know it until you know it.
I can't picture myself with anyone else. Ever. Moreover, I don't want to picture myself with anyone else. Sure, every now and then I'll have that "but I wish..." thought, but more often than not it's just me being petty and shallow. Think about it. I know this guy loves me to death. He has pulled a complete 180 so that he can be with me. I know he wants to be with me forever, get married, have a family and all that good stuff. And I know he's willing to work to see it through. I know he wants to take care of me and make sure I have everything I need. What else could I ask for?
Everyone thinks I'm too young, it seems. I am young, I know. But what ever happened to not letting anyone tell you that you were too young to chase after what you want? To do big things? I know this is a big thing and I am 100% sure that I want to stay with him forever. I have one more year of college and then I'm out in the world. Graduated, degree, job, adult. Why can't I get married then, too?
If everything works out I would like to get married on October 22, 2011. I'd be 21 by then, a legal adult, and officially graduated from college with a couple of months to spare. We would have been together for almost five years then, and close to two of those years would be from our newly "renovated" relationship. We just had a series at church that talked about relationships. One of the things they mentioned was being together for at least a year. Then if you wanted to get married, go for it. Seems like we'd be well within those time restrictions.
I want to get married because I am in love with him and because I want to be able to see him all the time. I am so ridiculously over this seeing him only on weekends you could not even believe it. But then, there's also the icing on the cake -- the sex. I have done so much with him that I am very much not proud of. But praise God, we have gotten so much better. Yes, we still slip from time to time and overstep the boundaries (how hard it is to not go down some paths when you've been down them before), but overall we have that problem almost completely wiped out. I am so proud of him for how much that aspect of our relationship has changed.
That being said, obviously, there is still a lot of desire there. The changes we've made help to an extent, but only in one way. We've taken care of the lust version, mostly. But now there's other motivations than personal gain. I want to be with him in that way because I want to be as close to him as humanly possible. I want to be one with him, bound together forever. Argh. Just typing it up is frustrating. Every day tons of people that don't love each other have sex. We do love each other and we're not allowed to? It doesn't seem fair. But I know it's in our best interest.
All of that rambling is to say that five years is a long time to be together before you get married. If you're trying to pull this dating thing off God's way, five years is a very long time to be together before you get married. In our series at church they specifically mentioned not dragging your feet about it if you want to get married because the temptations are only going to get stronger. Don't date for eight years before you get married (if you're sure you want to get married, of course), because you'll only be torturing yourself. And all the time it seems the verse that says it is better to marry than to burn is coming up in my mind.
So I guess it seems I'm pretty set on this. But don't get the wrong idea, I am scared out of my mind. Not the way I used to be... Before when he'd talk about getting married I would freak out and be absolutely terrified of even the thought. Now the thought sounds great. I would love to be with him like that. I am worried about the details though.
I know we're going to have very little support on the idea and that kills me. I want my parents' approval and blessing so bad. I wish we'd have it from his aunt and the rest of his family, too, but I don't think that's going to happen either. They are still furious at me for breaking up with him last summer, even though he and I have since talked and agreed that my doing so was absolutely necessary for our relationship.
I'm scared about money, but I'm thinking more and more that I shouldn't be. He has his inheritance from his parents, so we have such an unfair advantage to other young couples it's not even funny. Neither of us have that great of a job, so I guess that's what I'm concerned about. But maybe this whole design thing will work out for me when I graduate. I guess we'll just have to find out. We should be able to make things work though.
I don't know what else I'm worried about... Just being on my own, I guess. I know he keeps telling me I won't be on my own, I'll be with him, but I still feel like I'm going to be alone. I don't know why. Maybe because I don't think he'll be able to make ends meet. But when you add up the numbers... On paper it seems like we can do it. We won't have a ton of extra, but everything he has saved will provide some nice wiggle room if absolutely necessary. But I'm just scared about not being able to take care of us. What if I'm not good at it? I think this part is just my usual freaking out about something new. I hate changes and I think that's my issue. I hate doing things I'm not familiar and comfortable with, and let's just say I don't have a lot of experience in the marriage department. And for that one I can't do anything but give it time and hope I'll get over it.
So that's what's going on with me. I hope you don't think I've lost my mind, too. I really am trying to be as rational as possible about this, but it's hard when you're hit with such strong emotions. I think this is what I'm going for though. I think we can do it. Everything feels completely right when I'm with him. Together we should be able to tackle anything. | | |
| I wish I could tell you exactly what I think. Unfortunately, my internal sensor won't allow that, even when you're not listening. Who do you think you're fooling? Only yourself. Love and happiness is not found over the Internet within a few weeks time. I'm not buying it. I know you're a liar, yet I find myself hanging on every word. I want nothing more than for you to go away so I can finally happy again, but the last thing I want you to do is leave. Why must I allow you to drag me on like this? I want you to move on and be someone else's problem, but despite myself, I still miss you... I still want you. | | |
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